It will be ok....I think....

Anxiety is the pits. Whether it is over what to wear to your interview, hope I pass the test or OMG there is something in the world outside that's going to get me.

Irrational fears are nothing to mess with. Thanks to them, I have not been able to work in a week....and when this week is over, what then? I have to support my family.

*Insert Fairy Godmother with magic wand to make it all disappear*

Drats, nothing happened. Unfortunately everything I've tried to help alleviate my anxiety has not worked.

• Take my medications -check
• Deep breathing exercises -check
• Reality orientation -check
• Talking to peers/family -check

Needless to say I'm off to the doctor today to try to get some answers/relief. Feeling like I will die if I leave my house, fearing I will harm someone if I am near them, facial tics/spasms, numbness/tingling, generalized body pain, and digestive system reactions are not on my list of fun.

Today I am trying to focus on me and my family and try to get over this hurdle. I really think all of this was triggered by taking on a new job. Same facility, new department. Not necessarily more responsibility, just responsible for different things. The thought of having someone's life in my hands freaks me out!!! Thanks to this anxiety flare, I am either irrationally changing my major (from nursing to business management) or I am saving myself 2 years of school and a lifetime of stress by not going through with a career that I will ultimately not be able to function in.

It is interesting how I love to help people and make a difference in their life, yet I am scared. to. death. of being around people. I love the idea of being someone's hero in their time of need, but can't honestly say I want to be the one responsible for their next breath. Working in a non-medical field will still allow me to help people and save me the stress of knowing if they don't find that 'perfect' product they aren't going to physically die. And possibly even work behind the scenes......

*insert sigh of relief here*

I think it just might work out after all....

At 4.5 months post-op and down 84 pounds total. I've maintained this loss for the past month or so. I've gotten comfortable and enjoying life. That being said, I think I'm subconsciously uncomfortable. I look and feel fabulous (at least from my highest weight) yet I'm apprehensive of the journey ahead. Being a mere 15 pounds from my high school weight and only 30 pounds from my 'goal' I'm worried. Not so much about how I will maintain that weight, but how will I look? How will I feel? Right now I'm dealing with skin issues....saggy, smooshy skin. I look terrific with clothes on, but peel off the layers and reveal a hideous granny suit. Push-up bras are great for false advertisement.
I really, really, really hope that the more I lose, the less saggy it will look-wishful thinking is ok, right?
Anyway, I'm enjoying all the fun things like sharing the recliner with my hubby, him being able to pick me up and carry me around, not moving to buckle the seat belt, crossing my legs, moving without getting winded, fitting into smaller clothes, etc. Being comfortable with myself will hopefully fall into place soon.

263-190 Before and After Pics!

Wow, so long with no update! I am currently at 190 pounds...that is a 73 pound loss all together, 32 since surgery. It has certainly been a rocky road, not physically, but mentally. I still have head hunger-certainly not hungry, just bored or emotional. I've caved to temptation and had jelly beans and some bread....unfortunately they tasted good and went down well. I've eaten too much and/or too fast and had the omg-think-I'm-having-a-heart-attack pains....not fun, but I've learned from those mistakes. I'm getting better about remembering my medications-wish I could say the same for my vitamins....why is it so hard to remember those things?!?!? I'm feeling pretty good for the most part, have my energy back-well as much as a full-time employed mother of 3 boys all in baseball can have!

Great news, starting nursing school in the fall-so exciting!!! I'm ready for the career change, I've always loved caring for people. I suppose I'll be super busy then, working, school and kids! Hope poor hubby doesn't feel left out of it all.... This coming weekend is the hair show-great weekend with great friends! Always have too much fun at those. I'm sure I enjoy the hotel and hanging out more than the show though.

Garnier Fructis BzzCampaign

Just got mine in the mail- Sleek & Shine. Packaging is wonderful! Flip-top cap is easy to open, would be great for slippery hands or if you have problems opening typical flip-top lids. The product itself is thick so a small amount goes a long way! Smells fabulous and fruity, great moisturizing-maybe too much for my hair type. My hair tends to get frizzy and dry at the ends and oily at the roots (if not washed daily). I used this on my entire head....perhaps next time I will use the conditioner off the scalp. I would highly recommend this to someone with extremely dry hair, super frizzy, or if you really like to add shine to your hair. My style did hold all day long and did not have static in it at all (super plus!) Only downfall, greasy bangs by the end of the day. I think this will work great to help protect my heat abused hair!

Being a cosmetologist, I have tried many products from every end of the price spectrum. I would say this is ranking right up there with the more expensive salon brands (at a much cheaper price!) I did receive this product for free from bzzagent.com, but my opinions and experiences are all my own!

Garnier Fructis bzzcampaign!

Too excited to start my next bzz campaign! Should be getting my Garnier Fructis bzzkit soon! Jealous? check out bzzagent.com to get in on awesome bzzcampaigns and sample goodies for yourself!

Children's Claritin

Recently I received my bzzkit from bzzagent.com containing Claritin Chewables and Liquid for kids along with coupons. I got these totally free! I used them on my kids aged 3, 5 and 9. I was pleasantly surprised they did not give me grief about taking the chewable tablets. They were even disappointed they were gone. The liquid was not as enjoyable, my oldest said it had a funny taste. I am glad to report all allergy symptoms are gone, even with a blooming tree being cut and the grass being mowed! I also had no hyper or zombie kids! I can't wait to use my coupons at the store and pick up some more of the chewables!

2 weeks post-op

Hard to believe it has been two weeks already. My, how time flies. I'm feeling really good, getting around great. Steri-strips are starting to come off of my incisions. At my highest weight I was 263 miserable pounds and today I am at 205 pounds. I'm 5' 4.75" so I'm about 55 pounds from being in the upper range for an acceptable weight. Unbelievable!
I will not say that I have been super happy with my decision this entire time. Not to say I'm wishing I hadn't had surgery, just saying I have moments of mourning for my old life. I suppose it is normal to mourn something when it dies. My surgeon progresses his patient's diets from 1st Week: clear liquids 2nd Week: clear liquids and protein shakes 3rd and 4th Week: pureed food 5th Week: Mushy/Adaptive soft foods. I am so close to puree food and am so bored with clear liquids-I've been on them since February 19th. I've never been a huge fan of protein shakes-I've only found a handful that I like. I am so ready for more options in my diet!!!!!!!!!
Poor hubby made cookies the other night, not just any cookies, but the kind with mini peanut butter cups in them.....sigh....I was fine until I smelled them cooking. Keep in mind the day I came home from the hospital pizza was ordered....I have helped cook almost every meal since I have been home and did the grocery shopping all without batting an eyelash.... But the smell of those warm and gooey fresh cookies-that I can not eat.... That is right, not shouldn't but can't eat. That's when it hit me. This is not a diet that I can jump on and off of as I feel like. I can't just get strict because I don't like how my clothes fit. I have chosen to forever change my lifestyle. While I'm not saying I can never have a bite of a cookie again, I was just physically unable to eat the cookie. I cried....I really shed a tear mourning that I will never be able to put away a dozen fresh baked cookies in one sitting, I mourned that I will never be able to put away a whole medium pizza by myself....I mourned that I know I will never have the same relationship again with food.
Food will now be my fuel to maintain my existence. I can now live my life and look up from the dinner plate to enjoy the wonders this world is offering to me. I can now set down my fork and have a conversation with my family at the table because I am not shoveling the food in so fast I can barely breath. I am so thankful that I am able to have a new lease on life and start over.