Friday, May 9, 2014

Finally Have a Diagnosis!

That's right, after all of these years of pain, suffering, anguish and confusion I finally have a name to label my affliction. I suppose I should start off with the list of symptoms: apathy, failure to finish what I start, quick to give up, goal driven (but don't let the goal not happen too quickly), procrastination, lack of motivation. Sounds miserable-and it is.

Sure I can pretend I don't care that I rarely finish what I start or stick with anything for very long. I've blamed it on others, Attention Deficit Disorder, depression, and the list goes on. Simply put, I may start something, but quickly give up and blame everyone but myself. As result, I have accomplished very little in my 30+ years on Earth.

I'm married, have children, own a vehicle and have a job-sounds reasonably successful. However, I find that I don't commit 100% to any of them and tend to blame one of them for not completing school and having the career I am happy with or living in the town I want or having an organized and tidy home.  When it comes down to the basic bare-bones reasoning for my "failures" the common denominator is me.

I choose to not finish what I start, to push myself until I reach the finish line. Why on Earth would I do that? Why not commit? If it is a fear of commitment, that surely has roots somewhere deeper and comes from somewhere. I ultimately think I am afraid of being successful. When all my dreams come true and I meet all of my goals-what's next? I'm afraid of the unknown. I suppose deep down, I don't feel like I deserve anything better. My diagnosis is fear of succeeding.

I came from a lower-middle class-working poor family. My dad worked 40+ hours a week to keep us fed and clothed and a roof over our heads. We didn't have name brand clothing or the latest technology, but we had what we needed. My parents didn't go to college, so institutes of higher learning are a foreign concept to me. I am in no way ungrateful to the sacrifices my parents have made for me or my siblings and cannot blame them for my failure to accomplish anything. I simply have not learned to set a goal for myself and see it through. I have never seen anyone rise above 'just getting by'.

I've started a million different projects in my life and the minute it seemed I would have to put forth any real effort or risk failure, I backed out so fast one would think I was asked to give up a limb. This blog is a big example of my lack of commitment. I get grand ideas of making at least a weekly post, but it tends to be a quarterly post. I tried blaming it on no feedback from readers, but that should make me all the more dedicated to putting out quality content-to bring in more readers. Roller derby was fun, for the 2 months I made it (started seeing progress and quit-who does that?). School started to feel too challenging and was getting close to being over so I let myself take a "break" while I contemplated a change of major. I've been attending classes off and on for 10 years and have 2 certificates to show for it. I have enough credits to have at least one Associates degree, yet all the classes are in different subjects so its hard to compile them into one degree. I get grand ideas of having the "perfect" household and doing all of these amazing activities with my kids, yet I tend to drop the ball on them. I don't neglect them by any means, but in my head I would love to take them on hikes, serve them perfectly balanced meals, build their knowledge of religion and the world around them, but I tend to put my brain into survival mode and focus on other things. "Have to work, can't play today."

I would love to end this with some grand plan for the future, but I know me. Unless I begin to find worth in the completion of tasks, it will never happen. I just want to figure out how to make myself stick to the plan and find joy in marking things off my 'to-do' list. Instead of saying "I don't have time" I will say "that is not a priority" and see if that changes my answers or motivation.