What a Year!

It has been just over a year since my life and anatomy changed forever by having a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. At this point in my progress, I can honestly say I do not miss having a complete stomach. There are times, however, that I do miss being able to eat a ton of my favorite food but wow am I glad I can't!

Sure it isn't all sunshine and roses. I have stomach aches and unbearable pain if I eat too much at once or decide I NEED to drink something too close to eating....or my personal favorite (insert eye roll) eating something with too much sugar. It is like a constant reminder that I shouldn't eat it and now I'm being punished for it. It certainly helps put eating consciously into perspective.

Having shed 105 pounds, gone from a size 26/28 to a 12, XXXL to a Med/Large, and I have the ability to run and play with my kids without being in pain or exhausted. All worth the negatives. It is like being given a new lease on life. Yes, cliche, but true.

I always thought I would never want plastic surgery, but now I'm very open to the idea. My surgeon laughed when I told him I would love to look like I had boobs again. This is the one time I regret being unable to get pregnant, at least then I would get some boobs!

At one year post-op I am able to eat just about anything I want to eat and I've tried wine with no negative side effects. All of my labs come back fantastic other than vitamin D-it is always low. Unfortunately not drinking milk has its downfalls. I have orthostatic hypotension and reactive hypoglycemia. I just stand up slowly and carefully and make sure to eat more protein than carbohydrates.

I have a theory for the hypotension. At my larger weight, my body required larger blood vessels and a larger blood supply. Now that I am smaller but still have the larger vessels and blood supply my heart can't decide how hard it has to work to pump that blood. Of course, I'm not a doctor, so I don't know :)

All I know is I am so happy with my decision and hopefully I will enjoy a long and active life!

Denial and Food Addiction

While watching the fabulous Dr. Oz today, a topic was brought up that was both familiar yet shocking. Four guests are significantly (I'd definitely say morbidly) obese and love it. Yes friends, I said they LOVE their size, their body, their food, their admirers-all of it. They even argued with the fabulous Dr. about the fact that they are healthy. One even wanted to become the largest woman in America.

*SHUDDER*

To think of how hard I have worked to a) accept me for me both at my largest and now at my smallest b) work hard to regain and maintain my health. Their defense was they have fans in the form of feeders and feeding fetishes. A few of the guests actually made a living with their sizes and the fetishes. But at what cost?

They said they weren't unhappy, they said they loved themselves, they said they were healthy. Yet after talking, two of them decided they needed a change. Addiction is a crazy ride especially when it is on Denial River.

By far food is a drug for many people. Unfortunately it is one that is readily available and socially acceptable not to mention necessary for survival. Sadly, it is a fine line between acceptable and outrageous. Whether a person chronically over eats or binges occasionally there are too many people that have been conditioned to turn to food. The Clean Plate Club; Dessert is your Reward; No Food is your Punishment; Have some Food, you'll feel better are all a few of my biggest pet peeves, and also help lead to eating disorders.

As a teen I felt the only thing I controlled was my food, so I ended up never eating or binge eating. As I got older that turned into attention from boys. Then when the attention from boys/men became out of my control, I went right back to food. Food and I had a love/hate relationship. I loved to eat it and hated to pass it up. I made myself ugly and undesirable so no one would want to bother me. Long story short, my Prince Charming in Camo Armor changed my thoughts on love so I decided to give up my barricade of fat. Dealing with the emotions that came along as I shed each pound was enough to break anyone, but I've persevered. I hope to be a beacon to even just one person, to show them they don't have to settle for what they have. Everyone is worth it, everyone deserves to be happy and healthy and loved.

Moral of the story today is Food does not love you back, but you can love you and there are plenty of people out there that will love and accept you.

Patient vs Visitor

Its so great to not be a patient for once.....While visiting Mom after her VSG surgery, I'm realizing how much I missed after mine. Between the anesthesia and the pain medication, there's a lot of room for missed memories. At least now I've had a taste of what my mother will be like should she ever be cursed with Alzheimer's. (Love you Mom...lol)

How any patient ever gets rest in the hospital I'll never understand. While the quality of care here is top notch, there is always so much going on. Between checking vital signs and walking the halls sleep comes in the form of PCA induced cat naps. No wonder patients come home feeling zapped.

All in all I wouldn't trade the results of my surgery for anything, I just know that the immediate recovery is the pits. While watching Mom snooze I'm reminded of how tender and spacey I felt. While I didn't want to be alone, I sure did not feel up to visitors. Lucky for me hubby sat quietly in the corner only asking an occasional question or two.


Being a visitor I now realize how important comfort is not only for the patient, but for the visitor as well. Refreshments, distractions and comfy chairs have been such a wonderful asset for me today. I can only hope the customer service at other hospitals is at least a fraction of what I'm experiencing.

Changing For the Good

91 pounds......an average 11 year old child.......Gone from my body.....WOW. Looking back, its hard to imagine a time when I had to haul that extra weight around. No wonder my entire body hurt all the time. Size 26/28 to a 14/16, 3XL to L....

In 1 short year I have managed to change my body and my life forever. Not saying the weight will never come back--who knows what the future holds, and I know that I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep it off. My anatomy will never be the same. I still have a good 40 years or more in this body and will always have to deal with my decision. At this moment, I can honestly say it was a good decision. HOWEVER, this is not a magic bullet, not easy and not the easy way out. It is a long, hard road to even have the surgery not to mention the amount of work that goes into maintaining this lifestyle forever....

I'm thankful for the support of family and friends and the countless networking of WLS bloggers (Melting Mama, World According to Egg Face, Bariatric Foodie) and WLS patients (Bariatric Bad Girls Club) that I have been able to turn to for information, encouragement and inspiration. I highly recommend anyone considering weight loss surgery to do your research, research some more, and then research even more. Find credible sources and ask questions when you aren't clear on something. Do not go into this lightly and be prepared for a roller coaster. Not everyone will be a cheerleader, not everyone will be behind you after all of it is said and done, but you will find a stronger support system because of those that abandon you. 

It will be ok....I think....

Anxiety is the pits. Whether it is over what to wear to your interview, hope I pass the test or OMG there is something in the world outside that's going to get me.

Irrational fears are nothing to mess with. Thanks to them, I have not been able to work in a week....and when this week is over, what then? I have to support my family.

*Insert Fairy Godmother with magic wand to make it all disappear*

Drats, nothing happened. Unfortunately everything I've tried to help alleviate my anxiety has not worked.

• Take my medications -check
• Deep breathing exercises -check
• Reality orientation -check
• Talking to peers/family -check

Needless to say I'm off to the doctor today to try to get some answers/relief. Feeling like I will die if I leave my house, fearing I will harm someone if I am near them, facial tics/spasms, numbness/tingling, generalized body pain, and digestive system reactions are not on my list of fun.

Today I am trying to focus on me and my family and try to get over this hurdle. I really think all of this was triggered by taking on a new job. Same facility, new department. Not necessarily more responsibility, just responsible for different things. The thought of having someone's life in my hands freaks me out!!! Thanks to this anxiety flare, I am either irrationally changing my major (from nursing to business management) or I am saving myself 2 years of school and a lifetime of stress by not going through with a career that I will ultimately not be able to function in.

It is interesting how I love to help people and make a difference in their life, yet I am scared. to. death. of being around people. I love the idea of being someone's hero in their time of need, but can't honestly say I want to be the one responsible for their next breath. Working in a non-medical field will still allow me to help people and save me the stress of knowing if they don't find that 'perfect' product they aren't going to physically die. And possibly even work behind the scenes......

*insert sigh of relief here*

I think it just might work out after all....

At 4.5 months post-op and down 84 pounds total. I've maintained this loss for the past month or so. I've gotten comfortable and enjoying life. That being said, I think I'm subconsciously uncomfortable. I look and feel fabulous (at least from my highest weight) yet I'm apprehensive of the journey ahead. Being a mere 15 pounds from my high school weight and only 30 pounds from my 'goal' I'm worried. Not so much about how I will maintain that weight, but how will I look? How will I feel? Right now I'm dealing with skin issues....saggy, smooshy skin. I look terrific with clothes on, but peel off the layers and reveal a hideous granny suit. Push-up bras are great for false advertisement.
I really, really, really hope that the more I lose, the less saggy it will look-wishful thinking is ok, right?
Anyway, I'm enjoying all the fun things like sharing the recliner with my hubby, him being able to pick me up and carry me around, not moving to buckle the seat belt, crossing my legs, moving without getting winded, fitting into smaller clothes, etc. Being comfortable with myself will hopefully fall into place soon.

263-190 Before and After Pics!

Wow, so long with no update! I am currently at 190 pounds...that is a 73 pound loss all together, 32 since surgery. It has certainly been a rocky road, not physically, but mentally. I still have head hunger-certainly not hungry, just bored or emotional. I've caved to temptation and had jelly beans and some bread....unfortunately they tasted good and went down well. I've eaten too much and/or too fast and had the omg-think-I'm-having-a-heart-attack pains....not fun, but I've learned from those mistakes. I'm getting better about remembering my medications-wish I could say the same for my vitamins....why is it so hard to remember those things?!?!? I'm feeling pretty good for the most part, have my energy back-well as much as a full-time employed mother of 3 boys all in baseball can have!

Great news, starting nursing school in the fall-so exciting!!! I'm ready for the career change, I've always loved caring for people. I suppose I'll be super busy then, working, school and kids! Hope poor hubby doesn't feel left out of it all.... This coming weekend is the hair show-great weekend with great friends! Always have too much fun at those. I'm sure I enjoy the hotel and hanging out more than the show though.